I really like the mood, and the endings (I went back and explored it further). The prose is really nice in places too.
I guess part of me would have liked more exploration, but this is me thinking like it's parser-based IF, which is not the only thing Twine can do. So ignore me! I really enjoyed the atmosphere and the mood. Lovely piece.
Spellcheck: "franticly" should be "frantically"; "out tibias" should be "our".
Quite a good interactive story. I'm not very interested in erotica, so I was happy to find that this wasn't your average sex scene. There was enough variation to make me play through it for all the different storylines, too.
My one complaint is that the writing skill fluctuates a bit. At its best, it's absolutely arresting; however, it can get a bit overblown in places. There's also a bit of an overuse of the word "off", occasionally several times in the same sentence. (And "off of" isn't necessary: you could just write "off" in those instances.) I'm probably judging the writing very harshly, but a game like this stands or falls by the quality of its writing.
That said, when your writing is good, it's very good indeed. The central idea of this story is going to stay with me for a long time. I also like how it's possible to reach one ending without encountering the fantasy/surreal element.
Comments19
A little pruning, and breaking the writing down into smaller passages with more hyperlinks, would help the flow.
interactive prose has real potential and I'm happy to find such a game on LD.
well done
I guess part of me would have liked more exploration, but this is me thinking like it's parser-based IF, which is not the only thing Twine can do. So ignore me! I really enjoyed the atmosphere and the mood. Lovely piece.
Thanks for letting me know it was back up :)
Quite a good interactive story. I'm not very interested in erotica, so I was happy to find that this wasn't your average sex scene. There was enough variation to make me play through it for all the different storylines, too.
My one complaint is that the writing skill fluctuates a bit. At its best, it's absolutely arresting; however, it can get a bit overblown in places. There's also a bit of an overuse of the word "off", occasionally several times in the same sentence. (And "off of" isn't necessary: you could just write "off" in those instances.) I'm probably judging the writing very harshly, but a game like this stands or falls by the quality of its writing.
That said, when your writing is good, it's very good indeed. The central idea of this story is going to stay with me for a long time. I also like how it's possible to reach one ending without encountering the fantasy/surreal element.