An ordinary story about death

Overall★★★★★★★★★★2.73
Coolness★★★★★★★★★★26%
This is a personal story about my father's last day.
Written by Stephanie Juergensen.
Built with Twine, with some help of Lou Ulakovic.

screenshot

Comments15

kristoffer zetterberg
kristoffer zetterberg17 Dec 2013, 21:01
"so the soul can fly out", what a beautiful thing to say, though i imagine it can come of as insensitive to some.

i like your style and writing, how you're not overly sentimental or dwell on details or use too many descriptions, but instead let each page be a small picture and let me speculate on the other things. really touching story.

one thing though: the choice, it's not clear what it is that you're referring to with the yes/no-answer, "go or not go?" would perhaps work better.
JaymeeMak
JaymeeMak19 Dec 2013, 08:06
I agree with kristoffer zetterberg - when choosing whether or not to go to work, it wasn't clear what 'yes/no' entailed.
irma vepauthor19 Dec 2013, 08:11
Thanks for checking my game out.
It's my very first entry at ludum dare, so I appreciate your suggestion. :)
havana24
havana2419 Dec 2013, 08:41
Nice writing skill. ;)
Maybe a background music could improve the mood of the game!
I also agree with kristoffer zetterberg about the yes/no choice.
lilinx19 Dec 2013, 09:04
Wait...this is great. Not even sure what I found in it was intentionnaly put there. I will come back and read it over again. Whatever your LD ratings might be in the end, please know you achieved something with this game.

---
It says "“Shit“" on Monday 16:07 after "letting yourself be sent out by the nurse". If this is a typo I think it's ok to correct it now. If it's intentional, nevermind.
I also think the yes/no is a little confusing. I thought I had to answer the question : "difficult?".
lilinx19 Dec 2013, 09:06
Actually the typo is not exactly as written above, because it has be re-encoded when copy/pasted here, but you get the idea : strange characters.
irma vepauthor19 Dec 2013, 14:03
Ilinx, you're right - it's a typo fault, which doesn't show on my computer. And the music: we tried to link one end with my father's favourite song. But it seems that it fails. Embarrassed,
Irma
(But thank you for playing it! :))
irma vepauthor19 Dec 2013, 21:20
so I cleared a few faults now, one unclear phrase and the link with the intended song. Hope, the jam rules allow these corrections.
Thanks for your suggestions
whiteknife19 Dec 2013, 22:06
Well-told, although I thought that some of the choices were unclear and the medium of the interactive narrative could have been utilized better. That said, it's a powerful tale and you really get the sense of emotion from it. The song was a very nice touch too. Overall, very well done, and thanks for sharing this with us.
jacklehamster
jacklehamster19 Dec 2013, 22:43
Quite touching. I noticed there was less choices towards the end, but it's not a big deal.
Zerkruemler20 Dec 2013, 12:02
Good writing. I was i a similar situation some years ago and I think you got the spirit of the situation very well.

Good work nicely implemented.
PaperBlurt
PaperBlurt20 Dec 2013, 16:28
Nice style and writing.
Looking forward to seeing more stuff from you..
Christina Nordlander
Christina Nordlander22 Dec 2013, 18:38
Not sure how to rate something so personal.

The Twine text looks very good. The writing is very simple, but this is a story where flashy stylistics would be out of place. Some beautiful phrases.

Powerful.
irma vepauthor23 Dec 2013, 18:10
Thank You :)
Jupiter_Hadley
Jupiter_Hadley25 Dec 2013, 16:39
I am sorry about your fathers death. Great story thought... I included it in my Ludum Dare compilation video series, if you'd like to take a look :) http://youtu.be/Sii3dnpSvEI
Found a bug?
Tell us on Discord